Holiday Hijinx

In December of 1995, my mother wrote me a note which arrived in the US Mail.  It was a comical note as if written to Santa by a little girl.  She and my Dad were going to Maine ("The North Pole") for the weekend and that my sister would be there alone.   She was letting me know that my Dad would not not be home from work on Christmas ("get there fast if you are thirsty").  And I guess my Dad was working on my car for some prolonged period ("little red car") and she was letting me know it was done.  Finally, the "not as jolly" lady she refers to is my Grandmother, who, though lovely, could defnitely not ever be referred to with that word.   The note cracked me up.  Especially the typos and spelling errors...in particular the spelling of "sleigh" as "slay".  It slayed me. 

This clearly required a response.   So one was delivered.  It doesn't scan well, so the transcript is here for your pleasure:

Dear Ms. Bonneau:

Mr. Claus is in receipt of your recent letter, which was not dated.  He has asked me to respond on his behalf due to the time constraints of the season.

Though it may be upsetting, I must inform  you that Mr. Claus has found it necessary to remove your name from the gift-giving rolls.  Due to fiscal cutbacks, he has found it necessary to weed out undesirable recipients.  The grammar, spelling, and overall presentation of your epistle has made you a member of the "undesirable" list.

Mr Claus has also asked me to advise you of the following points:

1.  He resents your implication that he is a compulsive over eater.  He has no difficulty engaging the clip on his seat belt on the sleigh, at any time of the year.

2.  Since you did not arrive at the North Pole at the time you stated, he assumes that you will not be coming.  He is quite pleased to have avoided a confrontation with you. 

3.  ARE YOU NUTS?  Mr. Claus does not bring "goodies" to gift recipients homes.  The recipients often prepare "goodies"for Mr. Claus These goodies are donated to the Anchorage, Alaska Central Food Kitchen and are distributed to the needy.   Any "goodie" that you would have prepared would not have met with our stringent gourmet requirement and would have been immediately destroyed in our incinerator.  

4.  He is unfamiliar with any elf named Michelle.  If she is the person whom he suspects, she does not meet the height and weight requirements of our elf community.   While it is not our intention to discriminate, we simply cannot accommodate such elf candidates. 

5.  He has no need of an additional vehicle.  The elves in the Sleigh Maintenance Department have done an excellent job in maintaining this customary mode of transport.  He suggests that you might find some favor with him if you repaired and returned the "little red car" to is rightful owner.  

6. He is aware that there is an evil Mrs. Claus impostor.  He warns you that if you are associated with her in any way, you may be brought in for questioning.  Questioning policies do include torture with various items including reindeer hooves, giant candy canes, and  sharpened icicles.  We at the North Pole have not signed the Geneva Accords and do not subscribe to the mandates of Amnesty International.  Gestapo Elves are more than anxious to acquire information as to the whereabouts of this evil impostor and will stop at nothing to bring her into custody.  Once in custody, she will be forced for the rest of her life to feed the elves with peach dumplings and cheese pastries. 

In conclusion, Mr. "Clause" would like to advise you that modern word processors are equipped with GrammarCheck, Puncutation Check, and SpellCheck features.  USE THEM!!!

Sincerely, 

Ms. Elfina Goodwater

Public Relations, Recipient Elimination Department