Lost Day

Today was lost. Gone. Wasted. A stolen victim of the bane of my existence since kindergarten: The Headache. It's name does not describe it well. "Ache" implies a soft-edge to the sensation. The Headaches that visit me have no such soft edge.

All my life, they have been there, like a threatening storm. I remember coming home from school as a child with my head pounding and my mom putting cold, wet washcloths on my forehead while I rested in agony on the couch in the living room, light sneaking in through the curtains. I don't remember them being common or profound during high-school, but in my 20's and early 30's they were incredibly bad.

I've had CT scans and MRIs of my brain. I've tried various medications with limited success. I used Imitrex when it first came out as an injectable. My headaches were so bad at that time that the first time the nurse opened the needle for me and began to instruct me about how I would inject it, I barely let her finish and snatched it from her hand and plunged it into my thigh muscle. It worked GREAT and my migraine would be gone in 20 minutes. But after a few years I had to stop taking it because it started causing me to go into atrial fibrillation. Since then, I have not tried another prescription medication for migraines.

Connor was a gift. When I was pregnant my headaches disappeared. Gone. And the old ones, the bad bad migraines, have not really come back. But now I get profound and disabling tension headaches that seem to be triggered by back and neck tension that grows and spreads up the back of my head, over one ear, and into my face. They are not the same as the migranes--the light and sound sensitivity is not there. They are different, but they are just as bad.

When I wake up with one, I am doomed. Today I was doomed and I knew it the moment my eyes cracked open. Tiger Balm, ice packs, hot pads, hot bath, muscle relaxant, anti-inflammatory--all for naught. The right side of my face literally felt like a rotten fruit. I could barely stand to touch it. The muscles in my cheek and jaw were knotted up. It hurt to smile. And its hard to live with Connor and have it hurt to smile.

When I feel like this I am useless to all. Today Bob had to work and I was a subsistence mother. All I can manage is to insure that there are no knives or open flame in the area. Connor knows how I feel and he is sympathetic. He checks on me and pats my knee. But he's also old enough now to realize the opportunity my disablement presents to him in the way of freedom. While I moved in agony from chair, to couch, to tub, to bed, he lived downstairs like a street urchin. Three bags of Little Bites banana chocolate chip muffins for breakfast, YooHoo, candy canes, and microwave pizza before 1pm.

What I really need to do when the Headache comes it to go to sleep. But, I can't really sleep when I'm home alone with him because I feel like I have to at least listen for choking or crackling flames. Today I actually was reduced to calling Bob, in near hysteria, and begging him to please come home. Once he did, and once I slept for two hours, the Headache seemed to loose its grip. Ahhhh.

They're seeming to come more often. So, it will be back to basics for me. A new headache diary, maybe a new office chair at work (mine is 14 years old!), and maybe a visit to the chiropractor. Hopefully, tomorrow will not be wasted.