You know how in those 'icebreaker' exercises they ask you things like "Tell us something about you that no one knows." or "Tell us your most embarrassing moment."? On Friday, I had an experience that will now be my go-to story for that second one there.
I was flying back from four days in Phoenix at a sales meeting and connecting in Denver. The second leg was taking off at 9:40pm east coast time and we weren't due to arrive at Dulles until 12:30am. So, it was late. That will be important later.
I have decent status with United Airlines so I had a good seat in a wide exit row next to the window. If I can't be in first class, this is the next best thing. At about 6 feet tall, the leg room is great for me. Add to that the fact that the flight was only about 2/3 full and things were looking good. In a 3 and 3 configuration, I had an empty seat next to me and boarding was just about done. I struck up a nice conversation with the 50ish year-old looking guy in the aisle seat who was also a tall person like me. I'd guess 6'3'' or so. We had a great chat and he was charming. He was traveling from Bismarck, North Dakota to Northern Virginia to visit his kids who live there with his ex-wife. He told me he was an engineer and that he had formerly worked at Dulles Airport, which, after learning, lead me to pepper him with many questions about the way the new airport transit system is designed, etc. It was very enlightening and he was kind to not make me feel like an idiot when I asked questions that were clearly from a design/planning simpleton.
One of my colleagues was also on the flight but was seated in the last row next to the lavatory. Suddenly he appeared from the back and announced "Hey, I'm going to move up here and sit with you." My reaction to this would typically have been something along the lines of ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Here I am with an empty seat and you're going to come take it? However, he's a nice guy so although I can't deny the thought crossed my mind, I was fine with it. After a bit of wrangling with the flight attendants about the seat change and relocating his bag, he was plopped in between me and the nice engineer and we were off.
The flight proceeded normally. The nice engineer never displayed any frustration with his also empty middle seat now being occupied. I watched a movie. My colleague did some work. Nothing remarkable. Until I decided I needed to go to the bathroom.
It was about 40 minutes before landing and I knew that the seat belt sign would be coming on soon. I told my colleague of my plans and we both packed up our stuff and folded our tray tables. Now--remember, I'm in an exit row. One of those wide ones where, really, no one needs to get up. There's at least as much room to walk past your seatmates as there is in theater. So, knowing this to be the case, I make a critical mistake and don't pay full attention and assess my route.
Up I stand. Hunched over due to the low ceiling. I step in front of my colleague. No problem. Only then do I see it. Only then does my challenge become evident. That nice 6'3" engineer is sound asleep. Comatose. Really fast asleep and giant long legs vastly akimbo.
My brain assesses the situation and in a split second I decide this is doable. I'll simply hurdle with giant steps into the spaces between his left leg and my colleagues right. Then another step and one more and I'll be in the aisle. I'll have to high-step it but my brain sends positive spacial information to me and I spring forth. Forward propulsion begins and I'm off.
Two movements into it, the whole plan crumbles. Somehow the execution of my graceful plan is not achievable. I freeze in a panic, unable to move the leg behind me up and over and out into the aisle. The fact that I've now made eye contact with two or three other passengers who are watching this doubtful plan and are now smiling at the giant hunched over blonde who's clearly not capable of escape. The physical inability to pull it off and now the social trauma has locked me in place -- you guessed it--right between his legs.
My plan now is to regroup and decide to either find a way to proceed or retreat. But just as I'm making this decision the engineer senses my presence. His eyes flutter open slowly and then spring wide as he exclaims "Well! Hello!" I am literally standing in this man's crotch.
I burst into nervous laughter and tell him that I was trying to get out without waking him and he smiles and says "No problem. I woke up and saw you standing there over me and I thought to myself that this just turned into the best plane ride EVER." Everyone awake and nearby was now in total hysterics.
What a nice man. What a klutz!
